tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613185.post113190701969340198..comments2023-10-26T05:12:19.629-07:00Comments on PonderIt: Myth of the Good DivorceBradley Rosshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06030210881782328907noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613185.post-1132386290985286412005-11-19T00:44:00.000-07:002005-11-19T00:44:00.000-07:00Naiah, thank you so much for sharing your experien...Naiah, thank you so much for sharing your experience. I think that your daughter is a very blessed child, and that you and your ex-husband are wonderful examples of Christ-like behavior in a tough situation. The part of your comment that really caught my attention was the idea that children are part-mom and part-dad. That is an insight I have never considered before, and I am really grateful that you shared it.Kerynhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09879082560681531027noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613185.post-1132089116759382982005-11-15T14:11:00.000-07:002005-11-15T14:11:00.000-07:00I'm actually half of a good divorce. There are ti...I'm actually half of a good divorce. There are times when marriages have to end, and we have to be careful about saying that "good divorces" are a myth. Much of what they are listing here would fall short of a good divorce, in my book. <BR/><BR/>My ex-husband and I acknowledged right off the bat that we would always have to work together as "coparents" of our daughter, and that means being on the same page (no conflicting ideas of truth, no secrets, etc).<BR/><BR/>We kept our daughter's well-being first and foremost through the entire process, even visiting a child psychologist who specialized in custody issues to help plan our own arrangement. As such, our daughter has not had to travel between two different worlds.<BR/><BR/>There are times that divorce has to happen, and while it is undoubtedly inferior to a happy healthy marriage, doing it with the children's best interests at the center, the forefront, etc--is the least that any parent can do.<BR/><BR/>I was a child of a divorce and, as an adult looking back on my experiences, I culled out this piece of wisdom: Children are one half mom and one half dad. If mom and dad hate each other, or even indulge in unnecessary conflict with each other, the child will not be able to escape the idea that, growing up, their mom hates half of them and their dad hates half of them.<BR/><BR/>My ex-husband and I had to swallow down some hard feelings the first year or so, but in the years since we have even reforged a new friendship, and we do raise our daughter side-by-side united.<BR/><BR/>I would be heistant to decry "good divorces"--if we make it seem pointless, people will wonder 'why bother'--and there will be fewer "good divorces" and more hateful, awful, high-conflict ones--and that serves noone well at all, least of all the children involved.<BR/><BR/>If there's anything that every parent is hardwired to do, it is to put their children's needs above their own. Children need their parents to function together, as a cohesive, caring unit--even if they can't be in love and in a marriage.<BR/><BR/>"Good divorce" is not as good as "good marriage," but it is certainly better than the alternatives.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613185.post-1132030243388207292005-11-14T21:50:00.000-07:002005-11-14T21:50:00.000-07:00Anonymous, thanks for your valuable insight. I'm s...Anonymous, thanks for your valuable insight. I'm sorry that you had to suffer. I thank you for sharing your experience and I hope others can be wiser (and more humane) than your parents were.Bradley Rosshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06030210881782328907noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613185.post-1132025952627067862005-11-14T20:39:00.000-07:002005-11-14T20:39:00.000-07:00"We found that children of so-called 'good' divorc..."We found that children of so-called 'good' divorces often do worse even than children of unhappy low-conflict marriages..."<BR/><BR/>The operative phrase is "low-conflict". Sure it's better to fix a marriage than to tear it apart. But in many, perhaps most, seriously abusive marriages, one or both partners is not willing to change.<BR/><BR/>As a child of abusive and mentally ill parents, I wish they had divorced early on. Perhaps I would have realized that their behavior was incorrect instead of unconsciously emulating it for most of my adult life. But by staying together, and not calling the other's behavior abusive, they tacitaly said that the other's abusive behavior was acceptable.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com