For Whom Am I Crying?

I've been choking back tears a lot today.

Keryn is halfway through her pregnancy with our third child. We had our ultrasound this morning and discovered that our baby boy has spina bifida. This is a physical problem with the formation of the spine that can cause paralysis in extreme cases. Usually there is some form of nerve damage that will affect the lower body in some way.

Keryn and I have tried to keep on our brave faces, but breaking the news to our family and friends today has been challenging. I work with a lot of university students. Three of them were in my office for various reasons shortly after I got back to work. One of them cheerfully asked me how the ultrasound had gone. I wasn't able to keep my composure. (Awkward for him!)

Throughout the day I've wondered for whom I am crying. Am I really so godly that I sorrow for the pains of my child yet unborn? Or do I cry for more selfish reasons? Do I feel I've been robbed of the "normal" future I might have had with my third child? Am I crying for the pain my wife is feeling and for the great struggles that lay ahead of her?

Probably a bit of everything.

I hope my son won't be ashamed. I know there are deaf people who cringe at the label "disabled" and don't want to be pitied. It sounds like spina bifida is a condition something akin to being blind or deaf. Part of your body doesn't work normally but your brain is intact. I'm crying for my son today, but I hold out a hope in my heart for his bright future.